A wedding that emphasizes the family nature of
remarriage -- and formally recognizes the children either spouse
brings to the marriage -- can go a long way toward jump starting a
blended family.
(ARA) - You've found the man of your dreams and you've
set the date. There is, however, one nagging dilemma: the children (both
yours and his). How can the traditional wedding, which focuses
exclusively on the bride and groom, be reconfigured to recognize the
critical role that children play in the remarriage relationship?
That question plagued mother and bride-to-be Laura Clemmer, who spent
months scouring wedding magazines. "My fiancé Paul (Kotz) and I wanted
to do something concrete during our wedding to show my children --
2-year-old Allison and 5-year-old Nathan -- that we were creating a new
family," she says.
Laura and Paul were discouraged when the initial search for a
family-oriented wedding ceremony proved fruitless. They were concerned
that Nathan, who had early on been enthusiastic about his mom's marriage
plans, began expressing some doubts. "Will you and Paul get divorced?"
asked the preschooler, who still remembered the pain of his parents'
divorce several years earlier.
The Greensboro, N.C., couple was grappling with a problem experienced by
most of the more than 1 million single parents who remarry in the United
States each year: What can be done to ease the concerns of children who
feel, on a conscious or unconscious level, that their secure place in
the family is threatened by the pending marriage of a parent?
After much research, Laura found a simple and emotionally satisfying
answer in the form of a family-oriented wedding service that gives
children a meaningful role. This 5-minute ceremony -- called the Family
Medallion service -- can be integrated into any religious or civil
wedding ceremony. It differs from the traditional wedding in only one
respect: After the newlyweds exchange rings, their children join them
for a special service focusing on the family nature of remarriage. Each
child is given a gold or silver medal (Family Medallion) with three
interlocking circles, a symbol that represents family love in much the
same way the wedding ring signifies conjugal love. (The medallion is
available in the form of a pendant, ring or lapel pin.)
The Kotzes say they will never forget the moment during their wedding
when Nathan and Allison were summoned to their sides to participate in
the family wedding service. While the minister recited the words of the
ceremony -- a pledge to love and care for all the children either spouse
brings to the marriage -- Laura and Paul presented Nathan and Allison
with Family Medallions. Then the hugging started.
"I don't mean to be trite, but it was really a bonding experience,"
recalls step-dad Paul. "I especially wanted Nathan, who was old enough
to understand what was going on, to know that I wasn't just marrying
Laura; I was making a commitment to be there for him and his sister. I
could see from the way his eyes lit up that he understood. I will never
forget it."
Laura Kotz says her family-oriented wedding was everything she had hoped
it would be. "I could not have found a better way to communicate to my
kids that, by marrying Paul, we were all coming together as a family,"
she adds.
Most of the guests attending the Clemmer/Kotz wedding were touched to
tears by the family ceremony. "People later told us how wonderful it was
that we did something so special for the children," Laura recalls.
The family wedding concept is an idea whose time has come since at least
one-third of all new marriages in the United States involve divorced or
widowed parents with children under 18 living in the home, according to
the Stepfamily Association of America.
But finding family-oriented ceremonies is no easy task. "Although I have
many books on wedding ceremonies, not one of them contains a wedding
ritual that recognizes children from previous marriages," says Dr. C.
Fred Werhan, the Baptist minister who officiated at the Clemmer-Kotz
wedding. "That was OK 35 years ago, when practically every wedding
involved people who had never been married before. But things have
changed dramatically since then. Today, in half the couples that I
marry, at least one spouse has been married before."
Werhan says he was very excited when he read about a family wedding
service developed by a Kansas City minister. "There's nothing else like
it that I know about," he adds. "Now I tell many of the couples that I
marry about it."
The family service -- along with the Family Medallion -- was developed
more than 15 years ago by Dr. Roger Coleman, chaplain of Pilgrim Chapel
in Kansas City. "A marriage with children is a lot more than simply the
union of a man and a woman," he says. "It is a merging of families.
Every day I see how divorce creates a sense of failure and hopelessness
in people. The family ceremony is a sign of hope and an important step
in rebuilding the devastation of the family."
Today, more than 15,000 couples a year -- primarily in the United
States, Canada and Europe -- use the Family Medallion ceremony to help
cement the bond between parents, stepparents and children. "It really
works," says Dr. Werhan, who has adapted Coleman's family service for
many weddings. "A family-oriented wedding that includes giving
youngsters a tangible symbol of love like the Family Medallion is a
great way to make children entering a blended family feel secure."
Sharon Stober Barry, the editorial director of Your Stepfamily magazine,
agrees. In fact, she used the Family Medallion service to acknowledge
her son and stepdaughter when she remarried in 2000. "The
family-oriented wedding is much more than just a nice thing to do," she
insists. "You are pledging to your kids and his kids that you are going
to accompany them on their journey through life."
Nathan Clemmer, now a kindergartner, knows a lot more about little
league than about life journeys. But he treasures the Family Medallion
lapel pin his step-dad gave him when Laura and Paul Kotz married last
year. His mother says that Nathan sometimes climbs atop his chest of
drawers to snatch the lapel pin from the box where it is stored for
safekeeping. "I like to wear it," he announces proudly. "It means I'm
part of this family."
EDITOR'S NOTE: Additional information about the Family Medallion Wedding
Service, including the names of couples in your community who have used
the ceremony, is available by calling Clergy Services, Inc. at (800)
237-1922 or by writing to PO Box 32333, Kansas City, Mo. 64171.
Information is also available on line at www.familymedallion.com or from
Margorie Engle, president, Stepfamily Association of America, (617)
720-1773, or Sharon Stober, editorial director, Your Stepfamily
Magazine, (847) 639-2200.
Courtesy of ARA Content,
www.ARAcontent.com
e-mail:
info@ARAcontent.com
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