Author of: Being a Man in a Woman's World
Dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships.
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Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters.
Dear Dennis,
I wonder about this from time to time, but I figure that I need an answer from
an insightful man in order to get a truthful answer on this:
Do men respect women in general? Do men pity women in general, because of our
vulnerabilities? Or do men have a certain "hard-to-explain" admiration for women
at times and pity other times? What can a woman do to get and earn men's respect
in most cases? A lot of men speak in a condescending way towards and about
women. Can a woman have a lot of sex and still get a lot of respect? Can a woman
talk about having a lot of sex and still get respect? Why do many women seem to
never grow out of that adolescent unsure-of-themselves phase, while men tend to
realize their strengths and utilize them to their benefit?
Okay, it's a lot of questions - but they all really center around one general
principle of respect. It seems to me that many women can't seem to get a grip on
the power that they possess, and forever see themselves as being in a position
whereby they have to compete and prove their worth - rather than being in a
position where they already understand their worth and are just looking for a
man who meets "their" standards. I see that women constantly compromise, when
they don't need to - turn themselves into whores and fake bi-sexuals sometimes -
just to compete with ambitious attention whores.
What are your thoughts?
=============
Hello!
Yes, that IS a lot of questions! However, there is one simple answer to them
all: yes and no.
Some men respect all women and some don't respect any women at all. Many women
("feminists" in particular) demand that all women (as a group) are given respect
whereas many male chauvinists follow the policy of giving no woman respect
whatsoever. In fact, in every case these are all stupid and ignorant
philosophies!
I've done many interviews wherein the interviewer (most often a feminist
herself) accused me of not "respecting women"; usually because they read some
small part of my book or an article that they don't like. My response is this:
"You're right!" In fact, I don't respect "women". I also don't respect
politicians or dog trainers or Christian fundamentalists or boy scouts or school
teachers or those in the military or computer programmers or any other
particular group of people. I only respect individuals; and then, only based on
what they say and do. Indeed, there are many women that I have absolutely no
respect for, and some of these have even earned my disdain. On the other hand,
there are many women that have earned my highest respect.
I would never presume to speak for every man out there, but according to my own
research, and the huge number of letters I get everyday from readers, I believe
that in general, most men feel very good about women. Is this "respect"? I can't
say specifically, but I think there has to be at least some respect involved in
order to have these kinds of positive feelings. If men are guilty of any
respect-based crimes, I think it's giving away too much respect too soon, but in
fact, this isn't a huge, rampant problem and most men learn to deal with this
early on.
On the other hand, men view women very *differently* than themselves. That
difference in view doesn't mean that they don't respect women (or that they do
either!), it's just "different". For example, I'm sure that you know many women
that also view men differently than themselves. There's a reason why most women
prefer a man that's taller - it's because they view these men as able to protect
and even nurture them. This is a natural, inborn need for these women in order
to feel love. On the other hand, they don't feel the same way about women that
are taller than themselves however.
Is that "respect"? Not really. It's just a different way of feeling about the
opposite gender. Respect may be involved, but it's not the foundation of how
they feel.
In my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" I talk pretty heavily about
these gender differences and specifically how they affect our relationships with
each other. I want both men and women to learn to play into these differences
for their own advantages. What you call "power" I simply call natural advantage,
and I believe that each of us possesses different sets of these advantages in
different measure. That's a good thing - especially when we learn to use them to
improve our lives and even the lives of others around us.
It's because of these differences however that I can't specifically answer your
questions! For instance, "Can a woman that has lots of sex still be respected?"
That's impossible to answer generally. For me, yes, she can earn my respect
since the amount of sex she has had has no bearing on how I respect her. In
fact, I think that someone that is highly sexually mature can be very
respectable! What's more important to our very beings than our sexuality? I
don't know of any particular attribute that is more foundational than our
sexuality. Thus, someone that has worked hard to build theirs in a healthy way
is someone that is likely to earn my respect. Likewise, someone that has avoided
building and understanding their own sexuality is someone that is likely to NOT
get my respect!
Other men however see this either as a threat or view it negatively for some
other belief. They might very well not give respect for this. Is that "wrong"?
To me it is, but that's just one opinion. They feel it's perfectly right to
believe as they do.
What I advise people is to create their own yardsticks based on their own
beliefs, desires, experiences and philosophies and to be clear about them.
There's nothing wrong with adopting a particular belief system that someone else
creates as long as they know WHY they believe as they do. Simply adopting
something to fill in a gap isn't a respectable action. Knowing why someone
believes in something and how it affects that individual - and adopting it
because it fits well their own belief system - is.
Then, when situations come along, they can simply apply that against their own
yardsticks and see how they fit. If they fit well, then this person might (based
on many other factors) be worthy of their respect. If not, they may choose to no
respect that individual.
