Author of: Being a Man in a Woman's World
Dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships.
Start having the relationships YOU deserve!
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters.
Hi Dr. Neder,
I recently came across your article on "sabotaging relationships" through an
Internet search and I really found it helpful. I'm writing to you because of my
current situation. I am 31 years old and have grown up in a very religious
community. Everything is judged superficially; family, appearance, etc.
About a year and half ago I met this girl and started a relationship,
unfortunately, things went sour. I was in love with this girl and she was in
many ways, my "dream girl". I tried my best to give and be a good partner in the
relationship but she seemed to vacillate between hot and cold. Soon after, she
ended the relationship.
I was crushed and didn't see it coming. She even told her parents a week earlier
that she wanted to be with me forever but I guess her influences were to
powerful for her and she choose that life over being with me.
Now, I'm in a relationship with a girl who is very giving and caring to me. She
really shows that she wants to be with me and I kind of like it. She asked me if
we are moving to the next level and getting married and I guess I felt obligated
to her so I proposed. Now a month later, I'm starting to have second thoughts
and its almost like I'm looking to sabotage this relationship. I find all sorts
of things wrong with her.
I think that I never really got over the break up with my previous girlfriend.
Why am I doing this to myself and what can I do to make my current relationship
blossom and really build a life with some one that cares about me?
Hello!
Thanks for your comments on my article. It almost sounds like you want your
existing relationship to be more like your last - with all the good things your
girlfriend now brings. It appears that what your last girlfriend lacked, your
current girlfriend has, and vice versa. Your question is about how to not ruin
your existing relationship and to be happy with what you have. I first have to
ask you a question: is what you have really what you need?
Obviously, neither you nor I can answer that question - yet!
You've probably sat down to create goals for your career and have probably
written them down on paper. I strongly advise people to do this at least yearly.
Do you have written relationship goals too? You should! Your relationship life
is every bit as important as your career, and if you get the right one, you're
going to find much additional happiness and support from it. Being in the wrong
relationship can take away from everything else you do whereas the right one can
aid your life in ways you can't even imagine.
When you create these goals don't consider the women in your life at all - look
only at yourself. What do you want? What do you need? How will you know when
you've found these things? These are the types of questions your relationship
goals should answer. Trust me, this isn't an exercise you spend 1/2 hour on and
thing you're done. This is something you may very well spend many evenings on!
You want to be as complete as possible. You should answer everything from the
qualities of the woman you're looking for to how your life will change when you
find her. If you need additional help on creating these goals, see my book,
"Being a Man in a Woman's World" as it goes into creating goals - and a plan for
reaching them - in great depth.
There was a time when marriage was more about the communities we lived in.
Today, that isn't the case and we can consider being married much more from our
own needs than the needs of those communities. If you want to be married, that's
fine, but do so for yourself and your own personal benefit - not because your
community wants you to do this.
One last thing to consider: how do you know that the woman you're engaged to is
the right - or wrong - one for you? First, compare her to your goals. How does
she fit? What areas does she lack? Of the things she lacks, are they things
where you can help her grow? These can be difficult questions to answer, but
there's help! Check out my website for the free download of my "Rating
Instrument". (http://beingaman.com/rating_instrument.htm)
This software tool will help you really see what areas she's both strong and
weak in and will give you an idea of how she fits your goals.
