Author of: Being a Man in a Woman's World
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Hi Dr. Neder,
I'm a 46 year old divorced man trying to find my way in the dating world again.
I never learned how to play the game and now I've met a woman who I am very
interested in but she is playing hard to get.
I met her in a bar and she gave me her phone number. I called her 3 or 4 days
later and we had a great 2-hour phone conversation. Turns out she has a
boyfriend in another state but I guess she is looking for something closer to
home. She said she was going out of town for several days and would call me when
she got back. I didn't hear from her so I called her and left, (in hindsight), a
wimpy sounding message that probably came across like "I don't know if you
remember me but...." I could kick myself for that.
Anyway she did call me back and she came out and met me again later. We had a
fun time, some good laughs. When it was closing time, I walked her to her car
and made a move and we started making out. After a few minutes of passionate
kissing I asked her if she wanted to come back to my place, which was very close
by. She said no. So I kissed her some more and told her I'd call her. I called
her 2 days later and left a message for her. I waited all week for her to call
back.
By this time I was pissed that she had taken so long in getting back to me. I
missed the call and she left message saying she was sorry she had taken so long
to get back to me but that she had had a "week from hell". So I waited a few
days to call her and I got no answer and did not leave a message. I called again
the next day (3 days after her message), and left a message saying "Hi it's me.
How am I going to get you in bed if I can't even get you on the phone? Tag:
you're it".
I didn't say it in an angry or sarcastic way, maybe a hint of annoyance at not
being able to reach her. I should mention that our conversations on the phone
and in the bar were sexually oriented at times. Anyway, that was a day ago and
I'm a nervous wreck waiting for this woman to get back to me but I refuse to
call her again until she calls me.
Did I screw up with my message? Do you think she'll call me? What should I do
next? Any advice appreciated Doc.
Thanks!
Hey There!
Yes, the dating world is not like it never was (!) - It's full of rules,
techniques, games and general craziness that most guys hope to learn before it
kills them. Sadly, few ever really learn it, let alone get really good at it! It
doesn't have to be that way however - there are answers!
Yes, you screwed up by leaving that message - and all of the messages you left
for her. Here in Los Angeles where I live, you'd never have gotten even the
first call back. The fact that you got a couple of them is downright amazing.
Unfortunately, don't expect to get any more.
This whole courtship ritual is a game, pure and simple. In fact, women don't
want to call you back because it makes them look too eager. If you know that
they're interested, it takes their power away. So, rule #1 is to NEVER leave a
message for any woman that you're not already dating on a regular basis. Unless
you're a "couple" leaving messages isn't just a waste of your time, it tells the
girl that you have absolutely no game! She knows that calling to set-up dates is
your job. She has absolutely no motivation to make it easy for you - trust me.
Rule #2 is to STOP trying to hold the dates on the phone. A 2-hour telephone
call is 1 hour, 50 minutes too long! Phones are ONLY for setting dates that you
hold in person. Same with email, (with only a few rare exceptions).
Here's what you do next:
If she actually calls you back be very surprised (give her about 4-5 days or
so). If she doesn't, then call her. You might want to say something like, "Hey,
if you don't know how to use the telephone to return a call, how are you ever
going to figure me out? I'm a lot more complicated than a phone!"
When you call her (or see her in person) say, "Ok, clear up your Saturday night.
I'm picking you up at 8 [or whenever] and we're going out." Be firm, calm and
direct, but DO NOT ASK HER! The point is to TELL her. Again, no messages. If she
doesn't pick up, call her at work or stop by if you have to. Also, don't call
her 6 times a day until she answers. Once is enough.
Pick her up at the agreed time. This is the time to turn on the charm and add in
a lot of touching. Use the "opening kiss" technique where you kiss her
immediately when you see her - don't give her time to react, and don't wait
until later in the date. Get it over with at the beginning and set the tone.
This is also the time you want to start your "conversion" process to sex. You
need something of a plan - such as bringing her back to your place for dinner,
drinks, to hear your band's album, etc.
As I said before, there are answers to all of this. It's a very well-defined
game and all you need is to learn a few basic rules. I strongly urge you to get
"Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" and really study them! This can be easy
or it can be difficult - your choice.
