Author of: Being a Man in a Woman's World
Dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships.
Start having the relationships YOU deserve!
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters.
Hi Dr. Neder,
I am not sure about this “writing for advice” business....I am conflicted in
that I should be able and/or willing to answer this question myself. Yet, I also
feel that I need an outside perspective. So, if you have a moment to spare,
could you advise a stranger, i.e. me?
The problem is I am with a really nice girl, she's 34 and I am 36, and we've
been seeing each other for over 2 years now. I am unsure what to do next. I do
not feel ready to marry for a few compelling reasons. The question is, then, as
my girlfriend deserves a guy who will support her and give her a family....and I
am not ready or willing to fill this role, shouldn't I break up with her???
Isn't best for her and I that I confront this problem now? She is not in her
20's so time is not on our side.
I look at other women all the time. I have had only a few serious relationships
and I think that this contributes greatly to my aversion to commitment.
To make matters worse, I'm kind of passive/aggressive with conflicts. I
typically avoid any tense encounters. I have met people who do not shy away or
flinch in their relations to others and these folks usually have good
understanding of what sort of person they want to be with. My avoidance puts me
in the opposite position. That is probably why I am writhing, wrestling and
writing regarding this relationship.
Ultimately, I want to do what is best and do it now. I would rather make a
mistake and lose a great girl and gain wisdom than hide from a tough decision.
Ok, do you have any impressions? Thanks for your time and consideration of my
problem.
==============
Hello!
Don't worry. I get letters every single day from people just like you. In fact,
understanding relationship/dating/sex issues is very difficult. After all, where
do you go to get this type of information? Most people rely on their own
experiences - and continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. By
asking for some perspective, you get to break that mold and get new ideas,
perspective and tools that will help you work through your particular issue and
reach your goals.
I see so many people making this mistake it's unbelievable. Let me ask you:
what's more important, a happy, healthy relationship where both parties are
getting what they want and need, or being married? It's not that you can't have
both, but one deals specifically with your happiness and the other deals with
the FORMAT of the relationship.
Most people enter into relationships thinking that they are moving along some
path. They see marriage or living together in their futures, but don't stop to
consider the important aspects of the relationship itself - the quality, their
own goals, wants, needs, etc. Then, they wind up living together or getting
married before it's time just because that's the next step; or so they think.
Women are particularly vulnerable to this type of thinking because so much
pressure is put on them to be married. However, as I tell people all the time,
there aren't too many divorces, there are too many marriages!
So, where does this leave you?
My first recommendation is to sit down and work over your relationship goals. If
you don't have them, get to writing them out. You should have goals for all
areas of your life, including your relationship. Then, when you're finished
simply compare your current relationship to your goals. Do they fit? If not,
where do you need to work to make them fit? Will you only be happy by being
married? Do you want a family? There are a thousand of these questions you need
to ask.
Next, apply these goals to your relationship, but do this only for yourself.
Your girlfriend has to work on her goals too and do this same thing. You can't
do this for her.
Finally, if you find areas that aren't being fulfilled, then consider what you
have to do to make the work. Then, get to work on them!
Also important: everyone, even those people in loving, committed relationships
find other people attractive. Being attracted to other's looks isn't a big deal
because there is so much more to look for in a mate. That alone isn't reason
enough to end your current relationship. Having it not meet your goals however,
is.
The bottom line is this:
1) You can't set goals for anyone else but yourself. Your girlfriend has to have
her own goals.
2) If you have goals, you can easily see if this is the "right" relationship for
you or not.
3) If it's not as close to perfect as you need, figure out what you need to make
it so and then start working on that.
4) Only consider marriage if it works in with your plans and only if it adds to
your relationship. Don't just get married because it seems like the "next step".
