Author of: Being a Man in a Woman's World
Dedicated to advancing the arts and sciences of relationships.
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Hello Doctor,
I need your advice on a little dilemma of mine. There is this guy that I've
known for quite some time now. It started off with just getting together for
drinks and then a couple times for dinner, but it's been over a year and I don't
know where we stand; whether he just wants to be friends or something more.
Around our second or third time getting together last year, he brought up the
topic of relationships. He mentioned that he has been in a 10 year on-again,
off-again relationship with this girl. I asked about his status at that time. He
replied that they're just friends now, but, that she says he's the one for her.
Somehow, I got the impression that it was his nice way of telling me that he's
not interested in anything more than just friends with me (that was just my
assumption), but we continued to get together on a few more occasions, but
nothing ever happened.
I decided on my own that we were just going to remain friends (I didn't want to
keep my hopes up for anything more). However, every time I saw him; be it at a
group outing or just the two of us, I still felt that bit of attraction towards
him. I never said anything and just acted like a casual friend because I
couldn't stand the thought of rejection. It wasn't until a few months ago when
we were hanging out together like all the other times and having a fabulous
evening. He completely took me by surprise towards the end of the night and
kissed me. He said that he waited all night to do that. After that, we both left
without saying anything more. An entire weekend went by and no word from him.
The following week, I received an e-mail from him asking me about my weekend and
some mentions about the kiss. He asked me what I thought of it and if he was too
forward with me. I responded by saying that I didn't think he was too forward,
but I'm glad it happened the way it did.
A month goes by and I still haven't heard anything from him, no e-mails or even
a call. But then I saw him again at one of our group outings which he came over
to say hello. However, for the rest of the night, we didn't talk at all. It
wasn't until I was leaving that I went over to him to say good-bye and he asked
me when we are going to hang out again. It threw me off and I didn't know how to
respond, except by saying-- anytime, just e-mail me.
The entire summer goes by and nothing from him. We met up once again at another
one of our group outings 3 months later. This time I spotted him and attempted
to say hello first. After that, he did not leave my side for the entire night. I
thought everything was going so well. We had so much to talk about and even
mentioned about that very night he kissed me, except we never mentioned the
'kiss'. I made a comment about him having a few too many drinks that night and
whether he remembers anything. He replied that he remembers everything vividly.
I was so close to asking him about what happened that night and why he kissed
me. I guess I sort of wanted to hear from him whether he wanted this to be more
than a friendship or it was just a spur-of-the-moment feeling he had when he
kissed me. But I completely chickened out and never asked. So basically, the
whole night went great, at least I thought so. You could definitely sense the
attraction between us. But what bothered me the most and left me with questions
was when he left. All he did was to give me a peck and a hug and took off. This
happened about a little over a week ago.
I can't tell if he's interested or not. Should I just forget about him and move
on? Also, I wanted to contact him (through e-mail) to see if he'd like to get
together. He's always been the one to e-mail me first and initiate getting
together in the past. I on the other hand, have never contacted him first. Maybe
I should at least make the move just this time and go from there? Because 'if'
we do get together this time, would it be wise to ask him what really happened
that night with the kiss. What should I do? Please help.
====================
Hello!
So, let me get this straight: you are attracted to him, but you act completely
indifferent when you're around him. He even kisses you (likely a HUGE step for
him) and even asks you about it later on and you're dishwater-dull about it.
Even now, you're not 100% sure of his feelings so instead of doing something to
find out, you do nothing but lay out a plan for him to follow in your mind
(contacting you via email, asking to hang out, etc.), but do nothing about it -
including telling him!
Can you say "mixed messages"? I knew you could!
Here's what's going on:
Yes, he's interested. He'd never have kissed you in the first place if he
weren't. Then, he'd never have asked you about it later. Unfortunately, this guy
is obviously not one of my students and doesn't know what in the hell to do from
here! He probably figures that you're just not interested and has moved on.
So, what should you do?
You better start by deciding once and for all if you're interested in him or
not. He's not going to just come riding up on his white horse, sweep you off
your feet and lock you up in his castle on top of the hill! He's waiting for you
to show him something - anything - that is a positive response to what he feels
is a very obvious signal. But instead, what does he get back? Static. White
noise.
Email him and tell him you want to get together. Don't wait for him to do this -
he has already done this many times. It's way past time for YOU to reciprocate.
When you DO get together with him, kiss him back for God's sake! Climb in his
lap and give him a big, sensuous kiss. Express to him in something close to his
language that you're interested too. You might even tell him directly that you
would like to start seeing him more often or even try working on something more
because you both are obviously attracted to each other.
If you continue doing what you're doing now, he's going to quickly lose
interest. In fact, I'm surprised he's even hung in there this long.
