Would Julia Roberts Care If You Looked At Another Woman?
Doc Love's Advice
WOMEN DON'T LIE - MEN DON'T LISTEN Doc Love Success Coach
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"
Hey Doc,
I’ve been dating Ben for three years and he follows your “System.” I’ve been
reading your material too in order to become a better woman for the both of us.
I haven’t found in your material anything related to the subject of Internet
smut. I recently discovered Ben’s Internet browser to be full of photos, links,
and videos of the porn variety. I was disturbed by this – especially the
frequency (nightly) and volume, and considering that our romantic moments have
dwindled, I consider this whole situation indicative of a double standard. I’m a
rather attractive woman ready to crawl all over Ben at any time and he is more
and more often “too tired” to be romantic or has to go to bed early to get up
for work in the morning. Incidentally, Ben and I don’t live together.
I 'fessed up to Ben about finding this stuff and asked him to stop it. I see it
as disrespectful and unnecessary and bordering on sick because some of the links
are clearly teens. He got defensive, of course, stating that I was too rigid in
my morals and that men are hardwired to be visual and that it is all harmless.
He said he would stop, but I know that he hasn’t.
Could you please address this issue in your weekly advice column? I am not sure
if this is a deal-breaker for me, but it is certainly causing my Interest Level
in Ben to drop. The more I read about the subject of smut, the more I’m
wondering if I have an addict on my hands. I don’t need a “project” to work on –
I want a man. How does one shake this garbage out of a guy’s head?
Doc, Ben wouldn’t want me drooling over the Chippendales dancers – so why the
double standard?
I know you don’t generally answer women’s letters, but I truly hope you answer
mine. If you do, I sincerely thank you in advance.
Damara - who doesn’t think he should have it both ways
Hi Damara,
Hold on a second here, my sister. If your Ben were truly following my “System,”
you wouldn’t be writing this letter in the first place. But I’m glad you’re
reading me. So right off the bat we know that you’re one smart cookie. Ben’s a
lucky guy. It sounds like he doesn’t realize it, or that he’s just plain dumb.
And thanks for the plug.
Actually, I have addressed the issue you’re upset about. You’ll recall from
reading my book and columns that I don’t talk about sex. Ever. And there’s a
reason for it – too many parents trust me to give their kids sound dating
advice, for one thing, and for another, I’m not going to be like all the other
love doctors out there who dwell on the seamier side of love rather than truly
trying to coach men.
Now let’s be rational here. There are a few different ways to view Ben’s
preoccupation. Here’s one side of it. I’ve got a married cousin who sends me
pictures of Beautiful Women by e-mail once or twice a month. When I stop over at
his house, I like to pull his wife’s chains. “Your husband’s a voyeur,” I joke.
“He keeps sending me photos of naked women.” Now my cousin’s spouse happens to
be an easygoing sort (luckily for him) and we all have a laugh over it. In other
words, for those two it’s not all that important in the greater scheme of
things. That’s one extreme of it. At the other extreme are the folks who say
that if you even glance at such material you’re going straight to Hell in a hand
basket. Everybody else in America is on middle ground on this issue.
What I know for sure is this. The general rule for guys is, when you’re with
your woman, you don’t look at other women. Secondly, if you have this junk on
your computer, don’t keep it where she can have access to it. So Ben messed up.
Like Reverend Love says, “This whole matter should have been kept private –
between Ben and himself and his confessor.”
Damara, as far as having Ben for a husband is concerned, you have to do some
real hard thinking on it. If he’s looking at this stuff on a nightly basis when
you’re sitting there all decked out in your Victoria’s Secret outfit, with your
long legs and pouty, bee-stung lips, you have to wonder what’s going through the
guy’s mind. Like the Reality Factor says, “Why is he trading what’s there for
what’s not?” (To you Psych majors, plus she’s alive!)
In a sense, you went against loyalty by looking into your boyfriend’s computer.
On the other hand, he went against loyalty too because he was “with” other
women, a bunch of other women, Beautiful Women, and a lot younger ones than you.
Given the amount of time Ben spends with his fantasies, it’s not good for him.
As the old Chinese proverb goes, “Too much Neverland bad for Michael Jackson,
Grasshopper.” Ben should have your photos up on his computer. He should be
buying you nice clothes, taking you out to the park or the zoo, snapping your
picture there and then putting them up on his computer -- not all those other
babes. If I were a female, that’s the kind of guy I would want.
I certainly understand your anger and concern over Ben’s double standard. But as
my cousin Fast Eddie Love would say, “Guys like new stuff.” Apparently Ben likes
lots of new stuff, and he likes it every day. (By the way, is he losing weight?)
Now let’s reverse the scenario. If I had a girlfriend and she was sitting around
all night long salivating over pictures of bodybuilders, I wouldn’t be feeling
too great about it. Because let’s face it: why would I want to see her ogling
muscle-bound Macho Boys when I’m six feet eight and weigh 28 pounds?
Ben may argue that what he’s up to is all harmless shenanigans, but not at the
rate he indulges. I can tell you that for sure, and I’m not even a real doctor.
As far as Ben being marriage material, I’d say it is a deal-breaker for you,
Damara. I wouldn’t want my sister marrying this guy.
Still, it’s hard to say whether this cybersex predilection of Ben’s means he’s
truly hooked. There are just as many people on the other side of the coin who
say that looking at the stuff is not addictive. (Of course they’re lobbyists for
the porn industry, so take it with a grain of salt.) But we’re not here to
debate this; it’s not what I do as a dating coach. Like I said before, when a
guy’s in love with a woman, he shouldn’t be lusting after other women.
Damara, I’ve got more bad news for you. You can’t shake the garbage out of your
boyfriend’s head. He has to do it all by himself. He’s got to wake up and say to
himself, “By spending countless hours looking at these naked bodies, I’m going
backwards in my life. I should be going forward.”
One more thing. The reason I’m answering your letter is because I want to help
men. That’s always my first and foremost aim.
Remember, guys: if you like to look at naked women, keep the computer at least
50 miles out of your true love’s reach.
Guys, e-mail me at doclove@doclove.com
with your love challenges. All will be answered, but because of space, only letters of general interest will be printed. To find out more about The "System" visit me at:
www.doclove.com or (800) 404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars. For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with one man versus another?"
