I invite you to question
"common sense" and "what your mother taught you" about women.
*** Advice Question Of
The Week ***
Dear Dave,
Why is it that a woman who is only interested in the funny, cocky and
challenging (i.e., interesting) men, later in life tries to raise sons that
are sweet, thoughtful and "nice"? (i.e., run of the mill)!!
WS New York
David D. >>>My Comments:
This is a VERY interesting question, and I'm glad you emailed me to ask it.
I'm going to give you my personal take on this, but, more importantly, I'm
going to talk about how these kinds of paradoxes exist right in plain sight
all around us... and how to interpret them so you can increase your own
personal success with women and dating.
So to answer your question first...
I've spent a lot of time researching this topic, and doing a lot of personal
testing to see if I could find some answers.
Right now, as I write this, I think that it goes like this:
"Being Nice" in the way that you're describing, usually means things like:
giving compliments, buying gifts, providing food, doing favors, tolerating
emotional manipulation, pretending to be in a good mood even if you're not,
etc.
I believe that this is mostly a SOCIALLY and CULTURALLY CONSTRUCTED set of
"rules". There may be some "hard wiring" in us that makes us "naturally"
want to do nice things for women so they'll give us approval, but I think
it's mostly PROGRAMMED into us...
Now think about it this way: These "nice" things are typically very FEMININE
things to do...
So what's a mom in today's culture going to teach her son?
Of course... how to be "nice" to girls.
And what if there's no dad around to help out in the "training" of a son?
You guessed it... even MORE "nice" programming from mom.
The bottom line is that most of the people walking around on this planet
have NO IDEA how ATTRACTION works, and therefore will never be able to TEACH
another person how this fabulous process works.
This includes mothers. Mom loved you and wanted the best for you, she just
had no idea how to explain what makes women feel ATTRACTION. Mom may have
gotten the tingles when she saw Clint Eastwood shooting everyone... and Neil
Diamond running around with his sneer, hairy chest and that pickle in his
jeans... (and that reminds me... EWWWWWW... your mom is gross, dude).
But this doesn't mean that she can or would explain to her boy how to make
this happen with other women!
Now, let's talk about what we can actually LEARN from this kind of
phenomenon.
The thing that really fascinates me about people is THEIR ABILITY TO HAVE NO
IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON... even though it's going on IN PLAIN SIGHT ALL AROUND
THEM... and the even MORE amazing tendency to ARGUE VIOLENTLY WHEN one of
these OBVIOUS THINGS IS PRESENTED TO THEM.
I've read some fascinating books about the concept of "self-deception", and
I've come to realize that we humans have an amazing capacity for not seeing
what's there... to the point where it can be very bad for us.
Like I just said, we often ARGUE about things that are OBVIOUS to others...
which makes it even worse.
I need to stop ranting and raving, and land the plane on this one...
This mechanism is, of course, a survival mechanism that helps us to weed out
all of the useless information that's coming in through our senses at any
given time, but it can go overboard and prevent us from seeing USEFUL
information as well.
Next Point: A lot of our cultural and social programming is "off-base" to
some degree, which causes us to see things and interpret things incorrectly
when we do see them.
Finally, we humans don't like to change our beliefs about things. We don't
like to admit that we might be wrong in the first place, and we feel
unstable or insecure when we realize that a fundamental truth we have held
all our life is incorrect.
Lump all of this together, and you have moms who teach their sons the
"proper" way to act and men who have NO IDEA how to be successful with
women... and then women who REALLY get upset when you actually start
teaching men what WORKS to attract women (for more evidence of this, just
read some of these newsletters I'm sending you!).
Wow, I'm really going on an unusually intellectual rant today! Nice. This is
making me feel pretty smart... I think I'll keep it up...
So what's all this information good for?
Well, to start off, I think that it's important in life to continually
question YOUR OWN beliefs about how things work and what is possible. I
think it's also good to constantly question your LIMITING beliefs.
Unfortunately, most people do the opposite...
they question their ability to succeed and they doubt their own ability to
get what they want. Most people constantly "self-sabotage" themselves.
If instead, you question your LIMITATIONS and your LIMITING BELIEFS, and you
constantly look with your own eyes to see if there's something going on that
nobody mentioned to you, then you'll begin to see things that will blow your
mind.
It took me about 4 or 5 years to realize that ATTRACTION ISN'T A CHOICE. But
as soon as I say it, you can immediately get what I'm talking about, and
maybe even have a profound realization that will lead to success.
The phrase "Attraction Isn't A Choice" makes you have the "ah ha" that you
can't make a woman feel attraction for you by CONVINCING her... so you STOP.
Now, I didn't figure this out by having someone TELL it to me. I figured it
out by questioning the things I was hearing, and by following my own
intuition that there was a SOLUTION to this puzzle called "women and
dating".
So here's a "home work" assignment for you:
1) Write down all of the things that SHOULD work when it comes to making
women feel attracted to you. This might include buying gifts and food,
giving constant compliments, and acting "nice".
2) Write down your own personal experience of what ACTUALLY HAPPENS when you
do these "socially correct things that mom taught you" with women.
3) Pretend for a moment that everything you've been taught about women is
wrong. Further, pretend that women are actually wired in REVERSE. If this
were true, what kinds of things would result in a woman feeling ATTRACTION
for a man?
Does this open up some new possibilities for you?
I invite you to question "common sense" and "what your mother taught you"
about women.
The ideas that I've just discussed are part of what I consider to be the
"Inner Game" of dating success. Most guys spend almost NO time working on
their Inner Game... instead, they spend time learning things like "pick up
lines" and other almost USELESS stuff.
If you don't have your "Inner Game" together, you'll never be effective with
"techniques and tricks".
If you're like me, and you had a lot of negative programming earlier in
life, then you MUST get that stuff handled. It's not going to handle
itself... YOU have to do it.
I personally went from not knowing how to even talk to a woman I didn't know
to being able to get dates with even the most beautiful women... and I
practice what I preach.
The things that I teach in my eBook are things that I use PERSONALLY in
situations with women.
It's not a bunch of made-up garbage and old recycled books from 25 years
ago.
Go download my online eBook here: http://www.doubleyourdating.com/
- just follow the 'ebook' link and download your copy.
...and read it, learn it, and use it. Talk to you soon, David D.
P.S. As you can probably imagine, I get a TON of email... So if you'd like
to send me a Success Story, Question, or Comment, follow these guidelines: 1) Keep it short and to the point. Two paragraphs max. 2) Tell me what's working for you before you ask your question. I appreciate
all of the "Your stuff is great" and "I don't need to tell you how well your
stuff works" comments, but the fact is that I DO need to hear all of the
specifics... because this helps other guys to see what's working in
different situations. 3) If you have a Success Story, write "Success Story" in the subject line of
the email. I read these first. 4) At the end of the email, give me your initials and tell me where you're
from. 5) Send it to me at: SuccessStories@doubleyourdating.com
(c) 2002-2006 David DeAngelo, All Rights Reserved. By
accepting and reading this article you agree that: You understand this to be an opinion and not professional
advice, it is only to be used for personal entertainment purposes, you are solely responsible for any use of the ideas, concepts, and content and will hold David DeAngelo harmless.
http://www.doubleyourdating.com
