Met a
slightly-less-than-perfect guy? Have no fear. A little superficial work
can turn a marginally dubious dude into your perfect man.
To wit: When Karen met
her husband David for the first time she thought he was a lovely guy
with a great job. But she almost passed him over because of his
horrendous dress sense. "He turned up in acid-washed jeans and I was
mortified, but I could see potential there so I persevered," she says.
On their fourth date, they went shopping. Karen steered David towards a
jeans store and told him how hot he would look in a pair of Diesels.
From that moment on he asked her opinion about clothes and consequently
turned into her perfect match.
Harsh as it may be, we judge people on all kinds of surface things that
really aren't a big deal and could be easily changed to help transform
them into exactly the kind of person we want them to be -- assuming the
core qualities of kindness, smarts and basic decency are in place.
Fact is it's very rare for anyone to seem like a perfect match when you
meet them for the first time. "Most potential mates, male and female,
need some training to become your perfect match," says Tina B. Tessina,
psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about
the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage.
Starting Out Right
According to Tessina, so long as you go about improving your lover the
right way, you can begin on day one because they won't realize that you
are doing it -- so long as it's a minor habit or fashion choice that you
want to improve, not something central to his character or psychological
make up.
Tessina suggests using comments such as "I love a man who..." to make
his ears prick up, and use flattery to gently direct him rather than
point out the stuff you don't like.
It's important to realize that you aren't ever going to be able to
change huge things about his character, so if the problems are large,
Tessina advises gals to just keep walking, "but if the problems are
small, such as being neater, doing his fair share or approaching you for
sex the way you want, you can teach him a lot, if you go about it
sweetly."
A Matter of Taste
If, like in Karen's case, your potential mate's dress sense is the only
issue, you're in luck. Lisa Powell, a personal fashion consultant based
in Vancouver, B.C., says that getting your man to change his look is a
very delicate process but one that can easily succeed.
"The best way to start improving your man's style is to buy him a few
things when you're out shopping for yourself," says Powell. "And a good
place to start is usually underwear because a lot of men really don't
buy enough. Bring it out in the bedroom and tell them how sexy they
would look if they wore it," says Powell, "That way you aren't
challenging their sense of style, just suggesting something to add to
it."
Don't go crazy when buying them stuff. Take baby steps so you don't
stray too far outside their comfort zone. You might find that under your
influence, your date will start taking more interest in their
appearance. "Once they realize that they look good they get in to the
whole idea of updating their look," says Powell.
Be an Anti-nag
Whatever issue you want to address, the last thing you want to do is nag
because it's a turn-off and doesn't work anyway, says Tessina. "You then
sound like his mum and he's used to shutting that out."
Other, perhaps non-fashion related, issues may require a different and
less subtle approach. In fact, in many cases a direct approach works
best and it's one that men appreciate -- so long as you are nice and
direct. "To us women, that often sounds too harsh and demanding, but men
like it as long as it's not phrased in a way that makes them feel bad,"
says Tessina.
Say there's a hygiene issue that puts you off climbing in to bed with
him. Try telling him that you'd like to have sex but would he mind
showering first, says Tessina.
"As with puppies and small children, it works best if you catch them at
the right moment and tell them what you want. Do it consistently and
after a while, like magic, he'll one day begin to do it by himself," she
says.
"It sounds frustrating but if you're making progress it will be a lot
less irritating than the original habit. Just assume his original
training didn't include this habit, so he needs your guidance."
Positive reinforcement is key, without being patronizing. Being
delighted that your honey managed to stack the dishwasher or telling
them how considerate they are being in making your life easier works,
calling them a good boy for doing it doesn't.
Knowing When to Quit
There are some problems you just can't change and some people you'd just
be wasting your time on. "In the early stages of dating you should be
watching for signs of a jerk," says Tessina, who lists alcoholics,
liars, cheats and brutes as those you shouldn't try to change. If
someone is disrespectful or doesn't care what you think of them, then
it's probably time to move on.
"You can bring a guy out of his shell, influence his diet, dress and
social behavior, if you go about it right," says Tessina, "He should
never know you are doing it, he should just feel that you're the best
thing that ever happened to him."
